The subject sounds similar to a person realizing they have some sort of addiction after years of denial. Well that's me. My name is Tracy and I was first diagnosed with MMD in 2006 when I was 24. I'll try to keep this short so here's a quick overview on my background. I was diagnosed with MMD on only the left side of my temporal and underwent STA-MCD surgery. I visited this site way back when and was lucky to have a resource to read about what's going on.

After the surgery I physically healed quickly; however, mentally it was nightmare. Why? I was in severe denial of what I just went through and very angry. I didn't feel myself and I felt like someone put all my emotions in a blender and pushed "On." I really felt .. lost. Everyday was a different mood, a different anger and depression. I started partying hard, started smoking and did anything to numb everything. I know. I know. Probably the dumbest thing to do, right? Well I did it with or without regret. I was 24, nothing was wrong with me, I am healed. So I thought.

Throughout the past 5 years, I've managed every year to accept everything that happened. It's been 5 years since I've visited this site. For awhile I hated knowing I had MMD. I hated making sure I always had water near me, not to stress out too much, and always look for the symptoms of numbness or lack of speech. So ashamed and I treated it like a nuisance.

I apologize that you had to reach the above. If you have MMD you must be pretty annoyed at all my irresponsibility, carelessness and lack of appreciation. For that I am sorry. I wish I did a lot of things differently since the surgery. Instead of embracing this disease, I refused it.

When I was first diagnosed, I read through these types of posts with reassurance that everything will be fine after surgery. I read about all the amazing positive stories and had a really great outlook in terms of what's going to happen. Although this post is hardly the "everything's going to be awesome," I wanted other readers out there to know that everyone's experience is different. For those who don't have the sunshine story, you are not alone. Undergoing surgery is "kind of a big deal." To make it out, you didn't do anything wrong, you actually did something right. My biggest regret is not going to group therapy or seeking some kind of therapeutic help. I really wished I spoke to someone, anyone or even visited this site more often.
I'm very surprised that my lack of responsibility hasn't caused any damage and I'm extremely lucky and thankful.

I'll be hitting my 5 year anniversary in less than a year and it is a big milestone for me. I can finally say to myself that yes, My name is Tracy and I have MoyaMoya... bring it on world.

Tracy, Welcome back! I applaud you on your honesty. I think the greatest part of this board is when we share our personal stories. There's usually someone else who can relate to it. Your story may help someone else who reads it feel not so alone. Thank you for sharing it. I'm so glad that your in a better place. It is a very complicated disease and it's true that just because you ahd surgery you may not be back to "your old self" ever. My daughter is 8 yrs post surgery but will never have the same life she would have if she had not had MM. It's with us all the time and I still have worries about her future. The difference is now after time it's not in my daily thoughts. We can be very positive and move forward and enjoy every day that she is healthy and happy. Please keep us posted and thank you for sharing your story!
Mary Grace

Tracy~
WOW!
Well said.
Everyone has a different path, a different journey.
Life for many people is difficult after surgery, strokes, disabilities......even just remembering to drink water, as you said, is a drag. I can see that someone of your age  (who's just getting their 'wings' of independence) and strong nature would  react as you did. It's no fun being different and knowing you're medically so unique.
Being still alive with mm  (two strokes and surgery  in 1999/2000) is a difficult road. I get support from this Board and from folks I've met at gatherings. -- so I don't feel like such an alien. If you can get to any of the gatherings I'd recommend it. Going to a counselor helped me a lot too. And beginning to educate my friends/community about how it is living with mm has been helpful. Now I rather 'enjoy' my status/life as a person with mm!

I love your spirit!

My name is Linda and I'm a moyamoya survivor!